love

i like a boy! he is funny and really nice and sweet. so i see him every Saturday. the first time my ski class wanted a break so we were playing in the snow pile and he came with his group and when he saw us (me) he joined us. so him and i ended up Rolling down the hill together several times, him pushing me, me pushing him. then this week the same thing happened, even more soo. this time i joined him, but he called me over. and there were several time were he was on top of me, or the other way. but we were having fun. then my students tell me that i like him! straight out. was it soo obvious, i hope not. they continued to pester me with questions. do i like him? why don't i ask him out? does he like me? excetera. anyway it brought up some good points. i really like him and i enjoy spending time with him, so shy don't i ask him out. and does he like me? those are the questions that seem so simple but are really hard to answers. I NEED ADVICE! what do you think i should do?

my life

so right now things are both exciting and boring. school is as usual, a ton of hard work. i wish that i could go back to grade nine sometimes. and make some changes. more friends, and pay more attention in class. sometimes it feels like all i ever do is regret. or say "next time". it is just hard to let go of old habits and embrace a new being. and then i am still at great odds with my parents. i think it is just me, cause everything they do seems to bug me lately. some days they are fine, and some days i can't stand them. and this is separately of course. together they are hell. and lately my friends are kinda bugging me. one in particular. she just seems selfish and obnoxious. she has not really changed. she has always been that way, but it it getting to me more. and i don't like it. but i am becoming closer with other friends, who i haven't been as close to, or lost touch with, wich is really nice.

Should

I should be able to keep things in my room without them getting broken. Should being the key word. I should be able to leave things where they belong. Should being the key word. I should be able to have nice things. Again should is the key word. And I should be able to live my own life but should is the key word. Everything in my life is crap. My mom taped over one of my old favorite movies and she said it was because it was a kids movie. But it felt like she had taken a piece of my child hood. and Then i realized, everything that I have has been taken away or broken. DVD's are scratched and ruined. Food, is stolen. People telling me how to live my life. The thing that scares me is how apathetic I've become. I no longer care. about anything. About all my possessions being lost. about how disgusting my house is. Everything. I just don't care. I just know that right now my life sucks. I can't appreciate anything right now, I am just counting down the time until it get ruined. How sad is that. I just need something really good to happen, to get me out of this mood. But then will I be able to appreciate it?

Money

I hate money sometimes. Mostly I hate asking for money. Large sums of money really. I am going on a trip this year that is really expensive so both my parents are paying for it. My dad just told me that he doesn't think my mom will pay enough and I should arrange a sit down between them. That means they will start screaming at each other and I will need to be there cause it is about me. And also that means asking my grandparents for money which I hate doing. I find it awkward and embarrassing. I am just a kid, doesn't that mean I shouldn't have to worry about money? Talking about money always makes me uncomfortable and I really hate it. I like believing that it will take care of itself without my having to get involved but of course that never happens and I end up back between the proverbial rock and hard place. Its just the upcoming "discussion" with my parents really has got me upset. It always hurts when they scream and I don't want to put them together to talk about money, a always very bad start to any convo.

Hopes

Ever have your hopes set on something? That you are going to do well on the math test. That life is going to change. That you will be better this time. Well mine were crushed today. Not actually. It just felt that way at the time. This was supposed to be my year. I was going to get my ski instructors level. Get point shoes. Do my dance exam and work over the summer at my camp. Well numbers 1 and 2 came true. The rest well, it just didn't happen. maybe next year right. It just always hurts when things don't happen the way you expect. And its not like any of its my fault. Its just timing and circumstances. But it still sucks. and no matter how much you say it doesn't matter, or I don't care, its a lie. I put myself out there, took a chance and I fell. Falling hurts. Now its just a matter of finding the energy to pick myself up. Its getting harder to find that energy. And things that should just role down my back are sticking. I know I need to find a way to use that pain as motivation, but that also takes energy I'm not so sure I have.

Missing something

Sunday February 8, 2009

So today someone said something that really affected me. They told me to ask my boyfriend what he thought. This got to me because I don't have a boyfriend. now don't get me wrong, I love being single. well I don't care that I am anyway. but it still hurts to be reminded of it. I want a boyfriend. not for any physical reasons, but for a emotional connection. and for someone can lay on and laugh with. Its not that I am desperate but I do want it, a lot. and it doesn't help that anytime I get close, it is taken from me. it just makes me wonder, when will it be my time, and who will it be. Its getting harder and harder to remember how much more there is besides boys.