Losers

right now i feel as though i am only friends with them because i have no one better to hang out with. all this drama all the time. its so draining. and then i start to feel like what is the point. obviously we are not such good friends if the thought of her gets me all pissed off. I feel as though i am split. on one hand when things are good, we have lots of fun. but then it takes so long to get there. I am finally getting some freedom, and i want to go out and enjoy it. but its such a pain when no one wants to go out because of money or permission issues. which is fine except it only seems to go one way and if i say no they get all pissy. plus half the time one will say yes, and then back out so everyone does. that makes me the most mad, cause it screws up all the plans.

and why is it that she can listen to her music and its fine, but if i put on the music i like she calls it stupid. just cause you don't like something doesn't make it stupid. she just gets so i don't care and it annoys me, cause its almost like "i don't care about the friendship". and now she is spewing all this you hanged crap and calling me a bad friend.

but i am lucky that i have atleast one friend who i know i am in good terms with all the time.

all i want is a group of friends were we go and hang out and do more than just go to wonderland. is that too much to ask for?

Friends

I don't know if its me or them. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe what i want in a friend is unrealistic. Is it too much to act for my friends to treat me fairly and the way i treat them. And is it a crime to get a little mad sometimes. Today we were outside at the park and i wanted to go back to the school for a sec just to check to see who was in my class. I asked my friends if they would go with me and they weren't even nice or apologetic. they were like, "ha, no" or "hell no". so i got mad and i left. just the other day I stayed with Yelena even though i wanted to go somewhere else, and i told her she doesn't do the same for me and she is like, OK I'll owe you. so much for that crap. and i went with Melissa to another room, even though she almost never does for me, and i needed to get to my locker. I was pissed off. and then after Melissa calls me and asks why i ignored her when she said hi after. and when i said i was mad she is all "OK whatever" and starts saying how its a good thing i won't be seeing any of them until the next school year. cause apparently we won't be seeing each other all summer. She will be busy working and Kelly is too lazy and i don't know what other excuses she came up with.

no matter what happens i know i will be OK. I am used to being abandoned by those who are supposed to love me. and i have been on my own for so long, i know i will be fine. but it still hurts to think that she at least thinks the friendship is over. and we have been mad at each other in the past and it usually blows over, but what if it doesn't? it is still really sad that a bunch of great friendships could end like this. and it is soo stupid.

did i over react, or was i right to be annoyed?

I am not mad at them any more, just Melissa now

Friends

My friends are bitches! not all the time, but lately they have been bugging me more and more. At first it was just one of them. she is very flirty and that started to get to me. I no longer want to hear about all the guys she is playing, and whats more, if its not about her she doesn't even listen to what i say. But now its all of them. we are trying to make plans and they are all like "you do it" and "i don't care" and one of them told me i should pay for her bus fair. i mean seriously!? plus i feel like i am being squeezed out. she doesn't talk to me as much and last week she asked out this guy that i used to like, and maybe still do. this is after i told her i wouldn't go after another guy cause she liked him. what kind of friend is that. I just want to scream at them. and it doesn't help that all i want to do is get out of the house cause my mom is driving me insane. but i don't even have anyone to talk to about this and i am driving myself crazy self analyzing. its just soo bloody stupid and i just want to spaz at her. who dealt me this crap hand to play with (so to speak)

bad bad day

basically everything that could go wrong today did. its started with one of the kids having his Poles on the outside of the bar so i couldn't get it up. they had to stop the chairlift. then at the bottom all the class went to the wrong chairlift. they were all complaining about the cold. the one kid who didn't go the wrong way, i left him for a sec to grab the other class and when i came back another instructor goes "you can't leave a kid crying alone". i felt soo bad. so we hike back to the chalet. in the mean while we still haven't picked up the boy who needed to run into the washroom. then after lunch the same kid who was crying, miles fell coming off the chair lift and hurt his leg. the wee thought that his ski was broken because it didn't fit. we later learned that it wasn't his ski. so i have to walk with him down the hill. then my kids are waiting at the bottom. when another instructor come to help he hurts his hand. so then i am watching his kids and mine and i still have to take mile's ski's in to get fixed. the of course heather shows up, so she takes miles, but i still have 2 classes. then one of my other kids wants to go in, but we don't i have to hear his whining. and then another instructor asks me to watch there class. by the end of the day we had done 3 runs and i was so tired. it was one of those days. things were not much better when i got home, i had a huge fight with my mom in front of my friends.

love

i like a boy! he is funny and really nice and sweet. so i see him every Saturday. the first time my ski class wanted a break so we were playing in the snow pile and he came with his group and when he saw us (me) he joined us. so him and i ended up Rolling down the hill together several times, him pushing me, me pushing him. then this week the same thing happened, even more soo. this time i joined him, but he called me over. and there were several time were he was on top of me, or the other way. but we were having fun. then my students tell me that i like him! straight out. was it soo obvious, i hope not. they continued to pester me with questions. do i like him? why don't i ask him out? does he like me? excetera. anyway it brought up some good points. i really like him and i enjoy spending time with him, so shy don't i ask him out. and does he like me? those are the questions that seem so simple but are really hard to answers. I NEED ADVICE! what do you think i should do?

my life

so right now things are both exciting and boring. school is as usual, a ton of hard work. i wish that i could go back to grade nine sometimes. and make some changes. more friends, and pay more attention in class. sometimes it feels like all i ever do is regret. or say "next time". it is just hard to let go of old habits and embrace a new being. and then i am still at great odds with my parents. i think it is just me, cause everything they do seems to bug me lately. some days they are fine, and some days i can't stand them. and this is separately of course. together they are hell. and lately my friends are kinda bugging me. one in particular. she just seems selfish and obnoxious. she has not really changed. she has always been that way, but it it getting to me more. and i don't like it. but i am becoming closer with other friends, who i haven't been as close to, or lost touch with, wich is really nice.

Should

I should be able to keep things in my room without them getting broken. Should being the key word. I should be able to leave things where they belong. Should being the key word. I should be able to have nice things. Again should is the key word. And I should be able to live my own life but should is the key word. Everything in my life is crap. My mom taped over one of my old favorite movies and she said it was because it was a kids movie. But it felt like she had taken a piece of my child hood. and Then i realized, everything that I have has been taken away or broken. DVD's are scratched and ruined. Food, is stolen. People telling me how to live my life. The thing that scares me is how apathetic I've become. I no longer care. about anything. About all my possessions being lost. about how disgusting my house is. Everything. I just don't care. I just know that right now my life sucks. I can't appreciate anything right now, I am just counting down the time until it get ruined. How sad is that. I just need something really good to happen, to get me out of this mood. But then will I be able to appreciate it?